My toddler accidentally spilled a bowl of cereal in the dining room.
At first, I was angry — but that anger quickly faded. I cleaned up the mess and, moments later, found myself laughing and dancing with my little one to the Elmo Slide.
Later that day, something similar happened: a bowl of mac and cheese on the floor.
But this time, I exploded — yelling loudly and feeling a wave of rage that lingered long after the spill.
Same Child. Same Setting. Two Very Different Reactions.
Why?
The answer lies in the dynamic nature of our emotional state as parents.
Many parenting philosophies, like gentle parenting, suggest that anger signals an unregulated nervous system. But experts in parenting and neurobiology offer a more compassionate perspective: it’s not about never feeling anger — it’s about how quickly and safely we return to calm.
What Changed Between Those Two Moments?
- After the cereal spill, I had practiced morning self-care and mindfulness.
My emotional “tank” was full, making it easier to respond with patience. - By the mac and cheese moment, I was running on empty — tired, stressed, and less able to regulate my emotions.
The “Myth of Calm”
Emma Johnston and Eleanor Mann of The Reconnected call this idea the “myth of calm”:
Parents aren’t meant to suppress all negative emotions in front of their children.
Instead, it’s healthier to show emotions authentically and model how to return to calm.
That’s what teaches children resilience.
Why Nervous System Regulation Matters
Kids are incredibly attuned to our emotional states — they sense tension even when we try to hide it.
A “reflexive nervous system”—one that can move from states like anger back to calm—is one of the most valuable tools we can develop as parents.
It takes practice, but the benefits are huge for both us and our children.
Simple Ways to Support Your Nervous System
Here are some techniques I use:
- Extended Exhales
Breathe out longer than you breathe in to trigger relaxation. - Turtleneck Massage
Apply gentle pressure to your neck to release tension. - Shake It Out
Shake your arms, legs, or whole body to reset after stress. - Sing Your Heart Out
Humming or singing helps calm the nervous system and release emotion. - Legs Up the Wall
Rest with your legs elevated to promote relaxation and regulate heart rate.
The Power of Modeling Emotional Health
By owning and managing our emotional responses, we give our children powerful lessons in emotional intelligence.
They learn that it’s okay to feel big emotions — and that they can return to safety and calm.
Final Thoughts
Parenting isn’t about being perfectly calm all the time.
It’s about learning to navigate our emotions in real, healthy ways — and teaching our children to do the same.
In this journey, we grow together.
