As parents, guiding our children to express their emotions is essential. Here are three effective ways to help them communicate their feelings—especially when they’re upset—and prevent meltdowns.
Naming and validating your child’s emotions is a great parenting technique, but it doesn’t work for every child. If your child (age 5+) resists talking about their feelings or shuts down when asked, try these psychologist-approved alternatives (from a mom of three!).
1. Stay Close & Stay Calm
For perfectionist or independent children, saying, “I see you’re mad; that’s okay,” during a tantrum might make them feel worse—even ashamed. Instead, focus on being a calm, steady presence.
Take deep breaths and silently remind yourself:
“Nothing is wrong with me. My child is healthy. We’ll get through this.”
Avoid emotional language during a meltdown. Simply say, “I’m right here.” By staying regulated yourself, you teach your child that their feelings aren’t scary—and that you’re there to support them.
2. Use Metaphors to Explain Emotions
This approach helps discuss feelings without directly pressuring your child. In a calm moment, ask:
“Have you ever imagined emotions are like an elevator?”
Explain:
“Imagine an elevator starting in a lobby. It goes up to the second floor, then the fourth, then the roof—where it pauses before coming back down. Some people’s emotions work like that.”
If your child doesn’t respond, don’t push it. Trust that they’ve noticed your effort to understand and connect.
3. Turn It Into a Game
The Rating Game helps kids process emotions playfully. Once they’re calm, say:
“I’ll ask about what happened. Give me a thumbs-up if it’s right, a thumbs-sideways if it’s partly right, and a thumbs-down if it’s wrong.”
Start with a silly example to lighten the mood:
“Were you upset because aliens stole our soccer ball? Or because you wanted to score a goal but couldn’t?”
If they give a thumbs-up, don’t overanalyze. Simply say, “I get it. Should I keep going? Give me a thumbs-up if yes.”
